Mikado: Loves Kazuki a lot! Iiis worried as heck about him. Is relieved they can and are talking about things again. And he wants to do that more! Just... Take time to talk with Kazuki about whatever!! Like they used to! And he's not afraid to fight with Kazuki over stuff like he was avoiding for a while. So he's probably going to be more pushy when he feels it, but he thinks it's good and healthy to like, express himself!!! BECAUSE OBVIOUS REASONS so. Because he has trust restored he trusts Kazuki to deal with it well enough even if they do argue.
Not that he plans specifically to argue or fight or anything, he just feels more sure of expressing himself instead of avoiding.
He's also really fragile right now, still, and will be for idk how long, so he's... Also really relieved Kazuki didn't get tired of him when they couldn't be close and he's still got a lingering terror of what if I touch or kiss my boyfriend and nothing is there like those times before!! Which makes him both want to crawl on Kazuki and cuddle and also makes him freeze up a little and just withdraw to avoid it. Obviously he's been choosing the former coping method but there will be times he's like, panicking internally when he's with Kazuki and might be for a while. He kind of articulated that to Kazuki! And Kazuki had the same fear back and that helped, but there's still some kind of just ingrained trauma about how horrifying it was that'll take longer to settle.
But he really cares for Kazuki. He's not really upset about the Naoto thing anymore. He is a little, but mainly it's like, echoes of bad feelings rather than actually caring about it at this point. He just kind of wants to flop on Kazuki and cry sometimes too, which he might randomly. He does want to be able to help Kazuki with Kazuki's problems, which scare him a lot right now. But he's also in a similar if not worse state of trauma than he was after the Hook and Sea Witch game. Fragile and passive (his resolve to push more not withstanding) he is kind of in a flux state of feeling stronger and happier and also having to sort through so many feelings and terrors and trauma so it's definitely in affect when dealing with Kazuki.
I think the bottom line in feelings is just so much happiness and relief and love and some resolved issues and some persistent trauma he's going to need help working through as well as a lot lot lot of worry for Kazuki and the desire to help him too.
KAZUKI IS SO HAPPY THAT THEY ARE TALKING AGAIN AND THAT MIKADO TRUSTS HIM AGGAIN AND IS SHOWING EMOTION AGAIN AND AND AND he's really trying his best to to screw shit up and you can bet for a few of the days Mikado was on hiatus and I was... busy... Kazuki was just sulking that Dream took Mikado away from him AGAIN. He really just wants to spoil Mikado rotten and take him on dates and feelings all the time, he can't even seriously get mad at Mikado right now. He's sort of been tripped into full on desperate love-love mode.
Like Mikado though he's still pretty scared about WHAT IF Mikado just decides Kazuki isn't worth the trouble and doesn't feel anything and just there for Kazuki out of emotional obligation, which for a while affected Kazuki's other relationships and still kind of does when there was that whole sort of emotional void thing no matter how much Mikado and others tried to reassure him because FEELINGS. That said Kazuki's best waaaay to make up for that kind of stuff is to get incredibly desperate love-love, s...o. He's sort of worried about Mikado coming back from Dream and being different again too. He;s full of so many feelings!!!!
That said he doesn't quite understand why Mikado is so worried about him, especially because Mikado being back to normal did make him feel better and more established as a person (gawd Kazuki stop basing your identity around other people.) For a long time he was really worried that what they had and their experiences and how Mikado affected him so deeply meant sort of nothing??? And as I said before, he's still carrying some of that around. Idk. Things.
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Not that he plans specifically to argue or fight or anything, he just feels more sure of expressing himself instead of avoiding.
He's also really fragile right now, still, and will be for idk how long, so he's... Also really relieved Kazuki didn't get tired of him when they couldn't be close and he's still got a lingering terror of what if I touch or kiss my boyfriend and nothing is there like those times before!! Which makes him both want to crawl on Kazuki and cuddle and also makes him freeze up a little and just withdraw to avoid it. Obviously he's been choosing the former coping method but there will be times he's like, panicking internally when he's with Kazuki and might be for a while. He kind of articulated that to Kazuki! And Kazuki had the same fear back and that helped, but there's still some kind of just ingrained trauma about how horrifying it was that'll take longer to settle.
But he really cares for Kazuki. He's not really upset about the Naoto thing anymore. He is a little, but mainly it's like, echoes of bad feelings rather than actually caring about it at this point. He just kind of wants to flop on Kazuki and cry sometimes too, which he might randomly. He does want to be able to help Kazuki with Kazuki's problems, which scare him a lot right now. But he's also in a similar if not worse state of trauma than he was after the Hook and Sea Witch game. Fragile and passive (his resolve to push more not withstanding) he is kind of in a flux state of feeling stronger and happier and also having to sort through so many feelings and terrors and trauma so it's definitely in affect when dealing with Kazuki.
I think the bottom line in feelings is just so much happiness and relief and love and some resolved issues and some persistent trauma he's going to need help working through as well as a lot lot lot of worry for Kazuki and the desire to help him too.
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Like Mikado though he's still pretty scared about WHAT IF Mikado just decides Kazuki isn't worth the trouble and doesn't feel anything and just there for Kazuki out of emotional obligation, which for a while affected Kazuki's other relationships and still kind of does when there was that whole sort of emotional void thing no matter how much Mikado and others tried to reassure him because FEELINGS. That said Kazuki's best waaaay to make up for that kind of stuff is to get incredibly desperate love-love, s...o. He's sort of worried about Mikado coming back from Dream and being different again too. He;s full of so many feelings!!!!
That said he doesn't quite understand why Mikado is so worried about him, especially because Mikado being back to normal did make him feel better and more established as a person (gawd Kazuki stop basing your identity around other people.) For a long time he was really worried that what they had and their experiences and how Mikado affected him so deeply meant sort of nothing??? And as I said before, he's still carrying some of that around. Idk. Things.
what exactly is Mikado worried about?