Sion: Forever devoted to Kazuki, can't stop won't stop. Always a stalker!!! And he's worried about Kazuki and mad at himself that in the memories Kazuki showed him he didn't get it and he wasn't able to stop Kazuki from feeling alone and that's a huge failure to him. He was already at least prepared to know he failed to keep Kazuki alive. But knowing that Kazuki died by choice is an added feeling of failure he wasn't really prepared for. It doesn't stop him wanting to do better in Aather at all, it just makes him feel sad and useless and like "why do I exist if Kazuki died for me".
But things are different in Aather so it's, well, another chance not to fuck up.
So he loves Kazuki and will follow him anywhere and always prioritize him and basically! But also Kazuki hurt him deeply a couple times when he was fairly vulnerable to it, and often, because of memory loss, he's insecure about how he reads Kazuki and if he's right about things and he KNOWS Kazuki doesn't understand him remotely well--but he is wary as fuck. Because Kazuki has rejected him and told him to fuck off basically, at a time when he was pretty sure no one wanted him anyway. And a few times since they've had miscommunication--when he took Kazuki and Naoto on a date Kazuki basically wanted nothing to do with it. When he took memories with Kazuki and Naoto, Kazuki was invasive as hell and kind of judgmental and entitled. So it's not like Sion is insecure about himself or his value, but he is sure he's basically unwanted? Especially because he does call Kazuki out on things, gets into arguments with him, pushes him and knows he does also mess up on Kazuki's feelings at times. He is stubborn and loves Kazuki and will stay with him despite that and offer his support and demand Kazuki not do things alone, but he also feels like he can't and isn't and won't ever be someone Kazuki actually wants around. So it's kind of a TOUGH I AM HERE FOR YOU ANYWAY BECAUSE I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ALONE MORE THAN YOU ADMIT AND I LOVE YOU AND YOU AREN'T ALONE SO DEAL WITH IT. But he in no way feels able to talk to Kazuki about his own problems because it just doesn't feel safe to discuss them with Kazuki and they haven't developed a relationship where he feels open at all, or like he can do anything but prioritize Kazuki's own feelings and push him when he needs it. Plus he also has an idea of how much Kazuki takes other people's problems and he's just like, after seeing the memory where Kazuki is doing that for him, pushing aside his own feelings for Sion's, Sion's just like "no no fuck that, I am not burdening you, you do this for everyone else, but not me, I am your support and the person you rely on don't do this."
So there's also that.
Do SOTU relationships back! I will do Mikado in a minute.
Kazuki's sort of a deep mess about Sion because a lot of things Sion does and says rubs him the wrong way, but at the same time he is hopelessly in love and Sion can see RIGHT THROUGH HIS EMOTIONS it's really terrible!! And even if he and Mikado have talked about being unable to help being in love with people from home, he still feels guilty about being in love with Sion-- especially because Sion was the one who told him off for ~taking advantage~ and leading people on before, with Naoto, and in a certain respect Sion is right about Kazuki pushing him away because... Kazuki doesn't like that complicated mess of a situation! And he doesn't want to take advantage of Sion, he wants Sion to be able to get distance and have a chance to grow apart from Kazuki and fall in love with someone else, he wants Sion to be happy, so a lot of Kazuki's tsundereness at Sion was... essentially being cruel as a kindness.
And then Sion persisted anyway and a bunch of other stuff happened to Kazuki's psyche and personality and identity issues, which lead him to being more frustrated and such. Sion basically hit the nail on the head, about Kazuki purposefully isolating himself. He got noticeably better when Mikado was back to normal though, because, gosh, who knew that being actually loved and cherished by your boyfriend in a way you can feel with real emotion would help with your identity and AM I JUST A CONVENIENCE AND BEING USED and stuff issues!!
And then Sion basically completely confirmed he's in love with Kazuki and Kazuki just can't fight it anymore. But he's also still very frustrated and his way of communicating with Sion in the first place is built on the basis of trying to mutually steamroll each other, so they constantly butt heads. Kazuki has been quite influenced by Mikado and his desire to, y'know, see Sion EXPRESS HIMSELF that he's just out and out pushing and being invasive and things. Wh...ich backfires. And he feels like that even though Sion can see through him, he doesn't really GET Kazuki nonetheless.
I think the recent thread might've helped a lot though idk what do you think, I just sort of spewed feelings.
Haha this thread. It's pretty terrible for Sion and has been... consistently horrible for him. He loves Kazuki, and there were points where they at least... Talked in a way that was productive! And Sion was happy with that but pretty much everything important has come after the reveal of his own death and Kazuki's decision to die and no matter how calm he appears he's really not okay with any of it, Kazuki's decision, his own failure and death, it's awful and traumatic and he failed Kazuki.
And pretty much Kazuki has been consistently rejecting him in the thread and way before the thread. And while Sion does, and can, and constantly NO U's the rejection and stubbornly insists on being by Kazuki's side and won't... Ever stop insisting. It's not like being made to feel like Kazuki's done with or tired of him doesn't hurt? And part of him is still more concerned with Kazuki's health and Kazuki's happiness and Kazuki not feeling alone so he just ignores that it hurts a lot! And prods and stubborns and mothers!
Like at their current point in the conversation, Heliodor is a hugely sore subject with him and even though he does like them, it's complicated and sensitive and he's barely to the point of maybe considering being actual friends with any of them. So actually being friends where he feels any levels of closeness is ages away because Sion is 10x more guarded with non-Di[e]ce people than he would be in canon. Kazuki trying to push Sion at them like it's natural he should be able to rely on them, when to Sion his only value with Heliodor is to be reliable for them is just... Painful. And insulting. Because it's a display of how little Kazuki seems to care about his life that he's not even asking about things with Heliodor he's just saying Sion should somehow trust them! And to use transition, like he's trying to make Sion go away--when Sion has clearly expressed the one thing he wants (however unhealthy or obsessed) is to be with Kazuki is just terrible to Sion. And Sion is just trying to tell himself "he's drunk and doesn't mean this as hurtfully as it feels" and linefacing because it really does hurt pretty deeply on top of all the other stuff.
And despite all that he's still just. Concerned about Kazuki's emotional problems and hoping maybe he can be someone Kazuki talks to like that more often because having Kazuki be honest and use him even a little for support was the biggest highlight of the interaction for Sion. Despite the fact that talking about Kazuki loving everyone and wanting to give his all while simultaneously not responding at all to Sion (despite saying he loved Sion, and Sion understands Kazuki's trying to be faithful but a lack of reaction at all hurt more than an angry rejection would have) was another weird kind of torture. But at least he felt like even if it was painful there was something useful he was doing! For Kazuki! And being confided in made him happy even if the whole context hurt.
So... A lot of just emotional crushing in this thread for Sion. Which he is terrible at expressing in any remote way and wouldn't even if he could because they just don't really interact that way. But not without points that make Sion just more devoted to Kazuki. Kind of like how he will smile to reassure Kazuki even when he's dying of stab wounds. He just. Can't put himself in priority over Kazuki at all. Even with amnesia.
Mikado: Loves Kazuki a lot! Iiis worried as heck about him. Is relieved they can and are talking about things again. And he wants to do that more! Just... Take time to talk with Kazuki about whatever!! Like they used to! And he's not afraid to fight with Kazuki over stuff like he was avoiding for a while. So he's probably going to be more pushy when he feels it, but he thinks it's good and healthy to like, express himself!!! BECAUSE OBVIOUS REASONS so. Because he has trust restored he trusts Kazuki to deal with it well enough even if they do argue.
Not that he plans specifically to argue or fight or anything, he just feels more sure of expressing himself instead of avoiding.
He's also really fragile right now, still, and will be for idk how long, so he's... Also really relieved Kazuki didn't get tired of him when they couldn't be close and he's still got a lingering terror of what if I touch or kiss my boyfriend and nothing is there like those times before!! Which makes him both want to crawl on Kazuki and cuddle and also makes him freeze up a little and just withdraw to avoid it. Obviously he's been choosing the former coping method but there will be times he's like, panicking internally when he's with Kazuki and might be for a while. He kind of articulated that to Kazuki! And Kazuki had the same fear back and that helped, but there's still some kind of just ingrained trauma about how horrifying it was that'll take longer to settle.
But he really cares for Kazuki. He's not really upset about the Naoto thing anymore. He is a little, but mainly it's like, echoes of bad feelings rather than actually caring about it at this point. He just kind of wants to flop on Kazuki and cry sometimes too, which he might randomly. He does want to be able to help Kazuki with Kazuki's problems, which scare him a lot right now. But he's also in a similar if not worse state of trauma than he was after the Hook and Sea Witch game. Fragile and passive (his resolve to push more not withstanding) he is kind of in a flux state of feeling stronger and happier and also having to sort through so many feelings and terrors and trauma so it's definitely in affect when dealing with Kazuki.
I think the bottom line in feelings is just so much happiness and relief and love and some resolved issues and some persistent trauma he's going to need help working through as well as a lot lot lot of worry for Kazuki and the desire to help him too.
KAZUKI IS SO HAPPY THAT THEY ARE TALKING AGAIN AND THAT MIKADO TRUSTS HIM AGGAIN AND IS SHOWING EMOTION AGAIN AND AND AND he's really trying his best to to screw shit up and you can bet for a few of the days Mikado was on hiatus and I was... busy... Kazuki was just sulking that Dream took Mikado away from him AGAIN. He really just wants to spoil Mikado rotten and take him on dates and feelings all the time, he can't even seriously get mad at Mikado right now. He's sort of been tripped into full on desperate love-love mode.
Like Mikado though he's still pretty scared about WHAT IF Mikado just decides Kazuki isn't worth the trouble and doesn't feel anything and just there for Kazuki out of emotional obligation, which for a while affected Kazuki's other relationships and still kind of does when there was that whole sort of emotional void thing no matter how much Mikado and others tried to reassure him because FEELINGS. That said Kazuki's best waaaay to make up for that kind of stuff is to get incredibly desperate love-love, s...o. He's sort of worried about Mikado coming back from Dream and being different again too. He;s full of so many feelings!!!!
That said he doesn't quite understand why Mikado is so worried about him, especially because Mikado being back to normal did make him feel better and more established as a person (gawd Kazuki stop basing your identity around other people.) For a long time he was really worried that what they had and their experiences and how Mikado affected him so deeply meant sort of nothing??? And as I said before, he's still carrying some of that around. Idk. Things.
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But things are different in Aather so it's, well, another chance not to fuck up.
So he loves Kazuki and will follow him anywhere and always prioritize him and basically! But also Kazuki hurt him deeply a couple times when he was fairly vulnerable to it, and often, because of memory loss, he's insecure about how he reads Kazuki and if he's right about things and he KNOWS Kazuki doesn't understand him remotely well--but he is wary as fuck. Because Kazuki has rejected him and told him to fuck off basically, at a time when he was pretty sure no one wanted him anyway. And a few times since they've had miscommunication--when he took Kazuki and Naoto on a date Kazuki basically wanted nothing to do with it. When he took memories with Kazuki and Naoto, Kazuki was invasive as hell and kind of judgmental and entitled. So it's not like Sion is insecure about himself or his value, but he is sure he's basically unwanted? Especially because he does call Kazuki out on things, gets into arguments with him, pushes him and knows he does also mess up on Kazuki's feelings at times. He is stubborn and loves Kazuki and will stay with him despite that and offer his support and demand Kazuki not do things alone, but he also feels like he can't and isn't and won't ever be someone Kazuki actually wants around. So it's kind of a TOUGH I AM HERE FOR YOU ANYWAY BECAUSE I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ALONE MORE THAN YOU ADMIT AND I LOVE YOU AND YOU AREN'T ALONE SO DEAL WITH IT. But he in no way feels able to talk to Kazuki about his own problems because it just doesn't feel safe to discuss them with Kazuki and they haven't developed a relationship where he feels open at all, or like he can do anything but prioritize Kazuki's own feelings and push him when he needs it. Plus he also has an idea of how much Kazuki takes other people's problems and he's just like, after seeing the memory where Kazuki is doing that for him, pushing aside his own feelings for Sion's, Sion's just like "no no fuck that, I am not burdening you, you do this for everyone else, but not me, I am your support and the person you rely on don't do this."
So there's also that.
Do SOTU relationships back! I will do Mikado in a minute.
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And then Sion persisted anyway and a bunch of other stuff happened to Kazuki's psyche and personality and identity issues, which lead him to being more frustrated and such. Sion basically hit the nail on the head, about Kazuki purposefully isolating himself. He got noticeably better when Mikado was back to normal though, because, gosh, who knew that being actually loved and cherished by your boyfriend in a way you can feel with real emotion would help with your identity and AM I JUST A CONVENIENCE AND BEING USED and stuff issues!!
And then Sion basically completely confirmed he's in love with Kazuki and Kazuki just can't fight it anymore. But he's also still very frustrated and his way of communicating with Sion in the first place is built on the basis of trying to mutually steamroll each other, so they constantly butt heads. Kazuki has been quite influenced by Mikado and his desire to, y'know, see Sion EXPRESS HIMSELF that he's just out and out pushing and being invasive and things. Wh...ich backfires. And he feels like that even though Sion can see through him, he doesn't really GET Kazuki nonetheless.
I think the recent thread might've helped a lot though idk what do you think, I just sort of spewed feelings.
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And pretty much Kazuki has been consistently rejecting him in the thread and way before the thread. And while Sion does, and can, and constantly NO U's the rejection and stubbornly insists on being by Kazuki's side and won't... Ever stop insisting. It's not like being made to feel like Kazuki's done with or tired of him doesn't hurt? And part of him is still more concerned with Kazuki's health and Kazuki's happiness and Kazuki not feeling alone so he just ignores that it hurts a lot! And prods and stubborns and mothers!
Like at their current point in the conversation, Heliodor is a hugely sore subject with him and even though he does like them, it's complicated and sensitive and he's barely to the point of maybe considering being actual friends with any of them. So actually being friends where he feels any levels of closeness is ages away because Sion is 10x more guarded with non-Di[e]ce people than he would be in canon. Kazuki trying to push Sion at them like it's natural he should be able to rely on them, when to Sion his only value with Heliodor is to be reliable for them is just... Painful. And insulting. Because it's a display of how little Kazuki seems to care about his life that he's not even asking about things with Heliodor he's just saying Sion should somehow trust them! And to use transition, like he's trying to make Sion go away--when Sion has clearly expressed the one thing he wants (however unhealthy or obsessed) is to be with Kazuki is just terrible to Sion. And Sion is just trying to tell himself "he's drunk and doesn't mean this as hurtfully as it feels" and linefacing because it really does hurt pretty deeply on top of all the other stuff.
And despite all that he's still just. Concerned about Kazuki's emotional problems and hoping maybe he can be someone Kazuki talks to like that more often because having Kazuki be honest and use him even a little for support was the biggest highlight of the interaction for Sion. Despite the fact that talking about Kazuki loving everyone and wanting to give his all while simultaneously not responding at all to Sion (despite saying he loved Sion, and Sion understands Kazuki's trying to be faithful but a lack of reaction at all hurt more than an angry rejection would have) was another weird kind of torture. But at least he felt like even if it was painful there was something useful he was doing! For Kazuki! And being confided in made him happy even if the whole context hurt.
So... A lot of just emotional crushing in this thread for Sion. Which he is terrible at expressing in any remote way and wouldn't even if he could because they just don't really interact that way. But not without points that make Sion just more devoted to Kazuki. Kind of like how he will smile to reassure Kazuki even when he's dying of stab wounds. He just. Can't put himself in priority over Kazuki at all. Even with amnesia.
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he keeps trying so hard because he cares a lot about Sion but look at where it gets him especially when he's drunk
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Not that he plans specifically to argue or fight or anything, he just feels more sure of expressing himself instead of avoiding.
He's also really fragile right now, still, and will be for idk how long, so he's... Also really relieved Kazuki didn't get tired of him when they couldn't be close and he's still got a lingering terror of what if I touch or kiss my boyfriend and nothing is there like those times before!! Which makes him both want to crawl on Kazuki and cuddle and also makes him freeze up a little and just withdraw to avoid it. Obviously he's been choosing the former coping method but there will be times he's like, panicking internally when he's with Kazuki and might be for a while. He kind of articulated that to Kazuki! And Kazuki had the same fear back and that helped, but there's still some kind of just ingrained trauma about how horrifying it was that'll take longer to settle.
But he really cares for Kazuki. He's not really upset about the Naoto thing anymore. He is a little, but mainly it's like, echoes of bad feelings rather than actually caring about it at this point. He just kind of wants to flop on Kazuki and cry sometimes too, which he might randomly. He does want to be able to help Kazuki with Kazuki's problems, which scare him a lot right now. But he's also in a similar if not worse state of trauma than he was after the Hook and Sea Witch game. Fragile and passive (his resolve to push more not withstanding) he is kind of in a flux state of feeling stronger and happier and also having to sort through so many feelings and terrors and trauma so it's definitely in affect when dealing with Kazuki.
I think the bottom line in feelings is just so much happiness and relief and love and some resolved issues and some persistent trauma he's going to need help working through as well as a lot lot lot of worry for Kazuki and the desire to help him too.
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Like Mikado though he's still pretty scared about WHAT IF Mikado just decides Kazuki isn't worth the trouble and doesn't feel anything and just there for Kazuki out of emotional obligation, which for a while affected Kazuki's other relationships and still kind of does when there was that whole sort of emotional void thing no matter how much Mikado and others tried to reassure him because FEELINGS. That said Kazuki's best waaaay to make up for that kind of stuff is to get incredibly desperate love-love, s...o. He's sort of worried about Mikado coming back from Dream and being different again too. He;s full of so many feelings!!!!
That said he doesn't quite understand why Mikado is so worried about him, especially because Mikado being back to normal did make him feel better and more established as a person (gawd Kazuki stop basing your identity around other people.) For a long time he was really worried that what they had and their experiences and how Mikado affected him so deeply meant sort of nothing??? And as I said before, he's still carrying some of that around. Idk. Things.
what exactly is Mikado worried about?