Haha this thread. It's pretty terrible for Sion and has been... consistently horrible for him. He loves Kazuki, and there were points where they at least... Talked in a way that was productive! And Sion was happy with that but pretty much everything important has come after the reveal of his own death and Kazuki's decision to die and no matter how calm he appears he's really not okay with any of it, Kazuki's decision, his own failure and death, it's awful and traumatic and he failed Kazuki.
And pretty much Kazuki has been consistently rejecting him in the thread and way before the thread. And while Sion does, and can, and constantly NO U's the rejection and stubbornly insists on being by Kazuki's side and won't... Ever stop insisting. It's not like being made to feel like Kazuki's done with or tired of him doesn't hurt? And part of him is still more concerned with Kazuki's health and Kazuki's happiness and Kazuki not feeling alone so he just ignores that it hurts a lot! And prods and stubborns and mothers!
Like at their current point in the conversation, Heliodor is a hugely sore subject with him and even though he does like them, it's complicated and sensitive and he's barely to the point of maybe considering being actual friends with any of them. So actually being friends where he feels any levels of closeness is ages away because Sion is 10x more guarded with non-Di[e]ce people than he would be in canon. Kazuki trying to push Sion at them like it's natural he should be able to rely on them, when to Sion his only value with Heliodor is to be reliable for them is just... Painful. And insulting. Because it's a display of how little Kazuki seems to care about his life that he's not even asking about things with Heliodor he's just saying Sion should somehow trust them! And to use transition, like he's trying to make Sion go away--when Sion has clearly expressed the one thing he wants (however unhealthy or obsessed) is to be with Kazuki is just terrible to Sion. And Sion is just trying to tell himself "he's drunk and doesn't mean this as hurtfully as it feels" and linefacing because it really does hurt pretty deeply on top of all the other stuff.
And despite all that he's still just. Concerned about Kazuki's emotional problems and hoping maybe he can be someone Kazuki talks to like that more often because having Kazuki be honest and use him even a little for support was the biggest highlight of the interaction for Sion. Despite the fact that talking about Kazuki loving everyone and wanting to give his all while simultaneously not responding at all to Sion (despite saying he loved Sion, and Sion understands Kazuki's trying to be faithful but a lack of reaction at all hurt more than an angry rejection would have) was another weird kind of torture. But at least he felt like even if it was painful there was something useful he was doing! For Kazuki! And being confided in made him happy even if the whole context hurt.
So... A lot of just emotional crushing in this thread for Sion. Which he is terrible at expressing in any remote way and wouldn't even if he could because they just don't really interact that way. But not without points that make Sion just more devoted to Kazuki. Kind of like how he will smile to reassure Kazuki even when he's dying of stab wounds. He just. Can't put himself in priority over Kazuki at all. Even with amnesia.
no subject
And pretty much Kazuki has been consistently rejecting him in the thread and way before the thread. And while Sion does, and can, and constantly NO U's the rejection and stubbornly insists on being by Kazuki's side and won't... Ever stop insisting. It's not like being made to feel like Kazuki's done with or tired of him doesn't hurt? And part of him is still more concerned with Kazuki's health and Kazuki's happiness and Kazuki not feeling alone so he just ignores that it hurts a lot! And prods and stubborns and mothers!
Like at their current point in the conversation, Heliodor is a hugely sore subject with him and even though he does like them, it's complicated and sensitive and he's barely to the point of maybe considering being actual friends with any of them. So actually being friends where he feels any levels of closeness is ages away because Sion is 10x more guarded with non-Di[e]ce people than he would be in canon. Kazuki trying to push Sion at them like it's natural he should be able to rely on them, when to Sion his only value with Heliodor is to be reliable for them is just... Painful. And insulting. Because it's a display of how little Kazuki seems to care about his life that he's not even asking about things with Heliodor he's just saying Sion should somehow trust them! And to use transition, like he's trying to make Sion go away--when Sion has clearly expressed the one thing he wants (however unhealthy or obsessed) is to be with Kazuki is just terrible to Sion. And Sion is just trying to tell himself "he's drunk and doesn't mean this as hurtfully as it feels" and linefacing because it really does hurt pretty deeply on top of all the other stuff.
And despite all that he's still just. Concerned about Kazuki's emotional problems and hoping maybe he can be someone Kazuki talks to like that more often because having Kazuki be honest and use him even a little for support was the biggest highlight of the interaction for Sion. Despite the fact that talking about Kazuki loving everyone and wanting to give his all while simultaneously not responding at all to Sion (despite saying he loved Sion, and Sion understands Kazuki's trying to be faithful but a lack of reaction at all hurt more than an angry rejection would have) was another weird kind of torture. But at least he felt like even if it was painful there was something useful he was doing! For Kazuki! And being confided in made him happy even if the whole context hurt.
So... A lot of just emotional crushing in this thread for Sion. Which he is terrible at expressing in any remote way and wouldn't even if he could because they just don't really interact that way. But not without points that make Sion just more devoted to Kazuki. Kind of like how he will smile to reassure Kazuki even when he's dying of stab wounds. He just. Can't put himself in priority over Kazuki at all. Even with amnesia.